Consolidation
There comes a time in everyone's life where you need to give something up in order to gain something back. For quite some time now I have been keeping two blogs. I think it is time for me to say goodbye to this one and carry one as I have been with the second. This will be my last entry on this here site.

I can be found here:

Col Mustard

Round Two
So yeah, I'm back, not sure how long though. Saying goodbye is always difficult, but I never found it so hard to come to grips with than while I was away.

I saw my grandparents for a day when I managed to get back to the world. Met them for dinner one night and was supposed to spend the next day with them but they got the fuck outta dodge like it was their job before I even got up the next day. Crass? Rough? Cold? Maybe...until you realize they could not come to grips with saying goodbye, and just left before it got too bad.

So I am on my way back to JFK and my mother can't stomach a car ride, so she stays home. Dad drives me there and despite all I have said about the man in the past, that guy I have looked up to these 20 something years, starts to crack. You see it first in his eyes, it's hard for them to look into yours, the redness the welling up...I'm sure you've been there before. Not my father, not to this degree. Not ever. Has me worried, scared even. WTF, over?

Problem; it appears to me like they think they will never see me again. Guess that's what happens when the eldest son in the entire family goes off to help fight somebody elses war. Dad was here to after all, guess he knows I am in for some more, rather well deserved, shit. Let us not delve into politics right now, but wrong war, wrong time comes to mind and I don't have it in me to walk away without doing what I can for GI JOE.

Saying goodbye this time around was the best worst experience I have ever had.

Now if I can manage another round without taking a chunk out of someone's ear...that or getting a chunk taken out of my hide, I should be alright.

Ding, Ding, Ding.

Let's go soldier!

You're movin' like pond water son!

Sound off like you got a pair!

Round Two.

A fond Farewell
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Scorpions: Winds of Change
...the winds of change are upon us all. I bid you all a fond farewell. It has been a pleasure to know each and everyone of you. Can't say where I am going or when I will return, but I will hardly find a better place than right here with all of you. Peace be with all of you. Cheers.

My just deserts...

It was only a small accident, honest...

Enough is Enough
Kerry to be Excommunicated

You have got to be fucking kidding me!! You see, Kerry supports a women's right to choose and thus he is not a worthy catholic.

Fuck the catholic Church, the Pope, that bitch, thank's for the Holocaust! How dare you stand against a woman's right to her own body you fascist prick! Mary gave birth to Jesus but was a whore? FUCK YOU!

God would NEVER be this foolish, would NEVER treat one of his own creations with such contept, would NEVER allow such blasphemy to be spoken on his behalf. So why does it occur?

HE IS NOT REAL!!!!! Our entire world is tainted with this odor that you can not wash off. People will kill for him, maim for him, slaughter children for him. Fuck him, his mother and his brother!

If you don't think a certain way, act a certain way, give in to pedophile priests, those sick fucks, look at what they are doing to our children and yet you worship them, you are condemned to eternal damnation.

Talk about scare tactics. The church is nothing more than a lobbyist group hell bent irocically, on furthering their own adgenda, not providing a genuine service to the people, except maybe the misguided or uneducated.

Why is the truth so hard to fathom when it comes to the church? Why does faith make people blind to reality, to the truth? Why is "god's will" an acceptable answer? Why is it "praise the lord" when you win a 25 dollar lotto ticket and "he works in mysterious ways" when your daughter is kidnapped and killed? Huh? Fuck that!

The day you say to me women or for that matter, any human, deserves less that the next if only because of something some fairy tale tells you to beleive in, one full of contradictions and inaccuracies I might add, is the day you incur my wrath!

If anybody in this world deserves a reality check it is the catholic church. Mysoginistic pedophile hypocrits spatting out rubbish that does nothing but scare people into handing over their money, their time, and their lives to an obvious monopoly, a monopoly that seeks to control our minds our lives and our free will. The scam of all scams, the lie of all lies.

Your check is in the mail!

Promises
Of all the thoughts that wake me up in the middle of the night, I'd have to say that this is the first of its kind. I never looked at what I am about to say this way before and I am astonished at how clear this seems to me now. How clear it is to you I leave up to interpretation, however.

Promises. I don't make them anymore. Not to anyone. I don't care whom. I may say "I won't let you down" or something similar but that is where I draw the line. I made a promise to a girl once.

Girl: Tell me you love me.
Me: I love you.
Girl: Promise me.
Me: I promise.

Did you see where I shot myself in the foot? Rewind the tape if you have to. I'll wait...

Needless to say I don't speak to this girl anymore, and I still have a limp. I look back at it now and I can laugh but if I don't use a compas I will eventually end up walking in a big circle.

But here is the point of all of this:

Say I meet a girl, or rather she meets me. She likes me. She starts to flirt. I return the favor. You know the drill. Problem is, eventually there will come a time when she will want something from me more than just amazing sex and good laughs. We are talking committment. Love. Promises. Problems.

Why is this a problem? Simple, I have, let's just say a 0 for 8 track record with women I choose to spend more than just a night with. Did you read that correctly? I said 0 for 8. Obvious, I am single, thus every relationship I've had consisted of broken promises and things left unfulfilled. Otherwise I would not be flirting with the "new" girl.

Why doesn't she see this? I know you've got to be optimistic and all, what's the point otherwise, but she has to know that unless we get married (more promises, and even then it's no guarantee), things said will eventually be unsaid, promises made; broken.

Expectations. That is my downfall. I don't have a wandering eye, and once I order I give the menu back, but hey, what ever happened to just living for the moment and just being happy because of what you have...not because of what may or may not happen in the immediate future.

I can't make promises to women because everything about me tells me I will end up breaking them, and it is no wonder why I never speak to any of my ex's anymore. Promises are deal breakers for me if I make them, and deal breakers for her if I don't.

I can't win.

*******************************

Update: Let's not split hairs here, but I do not equate love and promises. Love is a feeling, a promise is a contract. A promise is intent, the future. Love is right now. I can do love. I have done love. I want to do it again. Love has no bounds, no limitations.

A promise is a boundary, it is a limitation. It does not set you free, it keeps you tied down. A promise is a cage and love is an open window.

Someone like me cannot be bound or caged. I live and I love and I will go where ever either take me. You know this already if you have been keeping up.

If you are the object of my affection, you are guaranteed a few things:

1. I will love no one else if I am still in love with you.
2. I will not lie to you or keep secrets from you.
3. You will have my whole heart for as long as I am able, and willing, to give it.
4. I make no guarantee or promise that I will feel the same way tomorrow, next month, or ten years from now. How can I be expected to see the future?

Why do you smile as you read 1-3 and frown when you get to number 4? I DO NOT understand!

I am not to be owned. I am not to be obeyed. I am not my signature and I am not my fuckin khaki's!

Scary German Guy
Scary German Guy

Soul Searching 101

Introducing Professor Don Swift

Class is now in session, get ready to take some notes. There will be a pop quiz later this week...

A New Vocation
I have come to the conclusion that there is a purpose for me afterall, a mission for which a select few have been chosen to fulfill. I have fought the good fight, I have come to the end of my journey, I have kept the faith, and now I am to be rewarded, for my efforts and my transgressions.

The world needs people like me who have been beaten senseless by fate. People look at me and see someone they do not want to be and they feel better about themselves. This is my curse, my purpose, my reward for the life I have lived. For those that have loved and lost, for those that seek answers and find only more questions, I will provide an invaluable service to society.

Schadenfreude, making the world a better place to be!

Now accepting applications...

Clarifying some things...
Allow me to clarify a few things, for I may not have been as forthcoming as I should have been. I thank all of you for your words and insight, I find it comforting that our lives can be so different and yet so similar as if everything is just one big circle where the farther you go from one point, the closer you actually get.

First off, I don't go looking for trouble. I don't like to start fights nor do I particularly enjoy having them. Whether or not I'd make an excellent lawyer because of my stubbornness and attention to minute details is immaterial. The point is I really do not enjoy tension between me and those that I love.

Second, I grew up in a household that was full of violence, not physical mind you, but verbal, many arguments and disagreements over trivial matters. Stop touching me...This is my side of the room...Why didn't you take out the trash...How come you didn't call when you said you would...I was worried sick...Why didn't you study...I am so disappointed in you...ad nauseum...ad infinitum...

So it's not that I am dispassionate, or uncaring, I just don't like to fight. A typical situation might play out something like this...she comes to me with an issue...I listen...I ponder and I offer a solution...something easy, simple, fix the problem...she thinks I don't care, because I am not making a big deal out of it...we fight...

You see, I DO care, I WANT to see her happy, I HATE it when she is upset, I would do ANYTHING to fix what's wrong, but that is the problem....the FIX...see it, solve it, done...right? Wrong...I am not supposed to solve the problem, I am supposed to listen and say things like "It's going to be ok." The thing is, I DO listen, I try to understand and be compassionate, but I will probably never get as emotionally intense as her because I am used to it, because I spent my life at arms length from people because of all the fighting, all the arguing, all the complaining...I am inclined to just see the problem solved and move on to better things, because emotionally I am burned out, or maybe I just can't take it, which explains why I fly off the handle sometimes...it is my way of saying, I am incapable of being who you want me to be...

And it is being incapable that is the catalyst, that is to blame when things do not work out...I can't take it, I am emotionally drained and I simply cannot, it has been beaten out of me, I am oblivious to it because if I let it get to me I will fall apart. One of my defense mechanisms that always ends up causing a split, a break, a failure...

I am not capable of being anything other than myself, I am not capable of solving your problems, I am not capable of being your rock, you pillar of strength, because beneath this facade, this wall, this shell, I am an emotional degenerate, I am as pitted and scarred as the moon and, and I get hot and cold with same frequency. I am cold and distant out of habit and necessity because I am scared, I am afraid of what it means if you know this, if you get under my skin and what you will see.

I guard this with my life because with out it, what do I have? This is all I really know, this is all I have ever really felt. I know love, but I AM hate. I know happiness but I AM sorrow. I know joy but I AM pain. And what's worse, it that I am keenly aware of all of this. I know it is not healthy but I am more afraid of having nothing than I am of having all this. I just don't see any way around it.

How I wish this was all on the table BEFORE things progressed into something serious. What a relief it would be to know that despite all of this, you still want to be with me. Eventually you will become keenly aware of this, but it is usually a deal breaker so to speak because you will find out all of this, today, tomorrow, next week, whenever...

Having said all of this, I probably sound like the last person anyone would want to get to know. So be it. Things have a way of happening for a reason I'm sure. I am rash and bold with my emotions and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I follow my heart everywhere and love with reckless abandon. I live life moment to moment, day to day. My fear of course being everything else I have said, because unless I told you up front, you have no way of knowing until it's too late.

Any day now you might find something about me that you don't like, they you can't handle, part of me that you wish I could delete or remove, an experience you wish I had not...but with every passing day, there is no way of telling how I will react to someone or something or how it will affect me. How could I possibly know? The only thing I can predict is that whatever feelings you had for me will fade when you find out who I really am and what every other woman before you has done to me because of who I am.

Maybe it is all my fault, maybe I project a false self to lure you in so that at least for a time there is something, because I know exactly how things will end. You could say that, and I would not deny it if you did. I don't claim to have answers, questions, yes. Doubts, yes. Fears, uncertainty, apprehensions, yes. I can't help but do what I do, because everything I have learned, every experience I have had, every woman I have been with has led me to this, to these unanswered questions, to these fears, to these conclusions, to these thoughts and to this life. It is not just me, this I know. The person I am now is a collage of every other human being I have ever known, and every place I have ever been and every emotion I have ever had. I am just as much at fault for being who I am as everyone else. This I know, this I understand, that is the truth and that is why I am who I am. You may not know it yet, but you look at me and you see parts of your self. You may deny it at first but soon you will understand. To hate me, to shun me, to doubt me is to hate, shun and doubt yourself. That is why I look for qualities of my mother in every woman I meet. She understands exactly who and what I am. She knows me more than any woman I have ever known or will know and despite all my fears, thoughts, struggles and faults, she loves me, as she loves herself, unconditionally.