Clarifying some things...
Allow me to clarify a few things, for I may not have been as forthcoming as I should have been. I thank all of you for your words and insight, I find it comforting that our lives can be so different and yet so similar as if everything is just one big circle where the farther you go from one point, the closer you actually get.
First off, I don't go looking for trouble. I don't like to start fights nor do I particularly enjoy having them. Whether or not I'd make an excellent lawyer because of my stubbornness and attention to minute details is immaterial. The point is I really do not enjoy tension between me and those that I love.
Second, I grew up in a household that was full of violence, not physical mind you, but verbal, many arguments and disagreements over trivial matters. Stop touching me...This is my side of the room...Why didn't you take out the trash...How come you didn't call when you said you would...I was worried sick...Why didn't you study...I am so disappointed in you...ad nauseum...ad infinitum...
So it's not that I am dispassionate, or uncaring, I just don't like to fight. A typical situation might play out something like this...she comes to me with an issue...I listen...I ponder and I offer a solution...something easy, simple, fix the problem...she thinks I don't care, because I am not making a big deal out of it...we fight...
You see, I DO care, I WANT to see her happy, I HATE it when she is upset, I would do ANYTHING to fix what's wrong, but that is the problem....the FIX...see it, solve it, done...right? Wrong...I am not supposed to solve the problem, I am supposed to listen and say things like "It's going to be ok." The thing is, I DO listen, I try to understand and be compassionate, but I will probably never get as emotionally intense as her because I am used to it, because I spent my life at arms length from people because of all the fighting, all the arguing, all the complaining...I am inclined to just see the problem solved and move on to better things, because emotionally I am burned out, or maybe I just can't take it, which explains why I fly off the handle sometimes...it is my way of saying, I am incapable of being who you want me to be...
And it is being incapable that is the catalyst, that is to blame when things do not work out...I can't take it, I am emotionally drained and I simply cannot, it has been beaten out of me, I am oblivious to it because if I let it get to me I will fall apart. One of my defense mechanisms that always ends up causing a split, a break, a failure...
I am not capable of being anything other than myself, I am not capable of solving your problems, I am not capable of being your rock, you pillar of strength, because beneath this facade, this wall, this shell, I am an emotional degenerate, I am as pitted and scarred as the moon and, and I get hot and cold with same frequency. I am cold and distant out of habit and necessity because I am scared, I am afraid of what it means if you know this, if you get under my skin and what you will see.
I guard this with my life because with out it, what do I have? This is all I really know, this is all I have ever really felt. I know love, but I AM hate. I know happiness but I AM sorrow. I know joy but I AM pain. And what's worse, it that I am keenly aware of all of this. I know it is not healthy but I am more afraid of having nothing than I am of having all this. I just don't see any way around it.
How I wish this was all on the table BEFORE things progressed into something serious. What a relief it would be to know that despite all of this, you still want to be with me. Eventually you will become keenly aware of this, but it is usually a deal breaker so to speak because you will find out all of this, today, tomorrow, next week, whenever...
Having said all of this, I probably sound like the last person anyone would want to get to know. So be it. Things have a way of happening for a reason I'm sure. I am rash and bold with my emotions and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I follow my heart everywhere and love with reckless abandon. I live life moment to moment, day to day. My fear of course being everything else I have said, because unless I told you up front, you have no way of knowing until it's too late.
Any day now you might find something about me that you don't like, they you can't handle, part of me that you wish I could delete or remove, an experience you wish I had not...but with every passing day, there is no way of telling how I will react to someone or something or how it will affect me. How could I possibly know? The only thing I can predict is that whatever feelings you had for me will fade when you find out who I really am and what every other woman before you has done to me because of who I am.
Maybe it is all my fault, maybe I project a false self to lure you in so that at least for a time there is something, because I know exactly how things will end. You could say that, and I would not deny it if you did. I don't claim to have answers, questions, yes. Doubts, yes. Fears, uncertainty, apprehensions, yes. I can't help but do what I do, because everything I have learned, every experience I have had, every woman I have been with has led me to this, to these unanswered questions, to these fears, to these conclusions, to these thoughts and to this life. It is not just me, this I know. The person I am now is a collage of every other human being I have ever known, and every place I have ever been and every emotion I have ever had. I am just as much at fault for being who I am as everyone else. This I know, this I understand, that is the truth and that is why I am who I am. You may not know it yet, but you look at me and you see parts of your self. You may deny it at first but soon you will understand. To hate me, to shun me, to doubt me is to hate, shun and doubt yourself. That is why I look for qualities of my mother in every woman I meet. She understands exactly who and what I am. She knows me more than any woman I have ever known or will know and despite all my fears, thoughts, struggles and faults, she loves me, as she loves herself, unconditionally.
Revealed to the masses
at 4:37 AM EDT